Since the start of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London I?ve rarely watched any other form of television programming.? International competition brings out a sense of nationalism in me that is rarely displayed (unless I?m at a USMNT soccer match).? I love rooting for ?Merica.? Whether it?s water polo, soccer, gymnastics, basketball or track & field, it doesn?t matter to me.? If the U.S. of A. has a chance at winning, I?m glued to the TV.
This morning, like any other for the past week and a half, I tuned in to the Olympics coverage on NBC.? Instead of beach volleyball or something equally worth watching, there were? bunch of no names from countries I can barely pronounce kneeling in canoes, paddling on one side only.? The event was called the ?canoe sprint?.?
Equipped with specially designed boats that prevent the ?athletes? from just paddling in circles, these guys hacked at the water for a couple of minutes until they reached the other side of the water.? Worst sport ever, or so I thought.
After going to the gym to work on my swole, I came back to my apartment and turned NBC back on only to see a 60 something year-old geezer riding a horse.? ?Must be some sort of presentation? I thought to myself.? Nope.? ?Equestrian jumping? they call it.? A bunch of dudes fresh out of the country club ride horses and make them jump over things, and the winners get Olympic metals.? Bullshit.? So I got to thinking, what other terrible ?sports? do they have in the Summer Olympics? As it turns out, there?s a bunch of ?em.? Here?s my list of Olympic sports that should be discontinued:
Canoe/Kayak Sprint (Seriously, YouTube it. It?s fucking ridiculous)
Canoe/Kayak Slalom (Equally dumb as the sprint)
BMX (NES ?Excite Bike? nostalgia aside, save this shit for the X-Games, which I also hate)
Mountain Biking (Name the best mountain biker in the world.? You can?t, because no one is the best at recreational activities)
Equestrian (Training horses is not a sport.? Please stop it)
Sailing (Belonging to a country club shouldn?t qualify you for the Olympics)
If I was being a stickler, I?d say they should dump table tennis as well, but not until a Forrest Gump-like American brings home the gold.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, ?They can?t get rid of Olympic sports!? It?s tradition!?.? Not so.? There are 14 Summer Olympic sports (16 if you count hockey and figure skating that are now winter events) that have been discontinued.? While some of the discontinued sports should stay buried in history books Wikipedia archives, like basque pelota and roque, I?d like to see them bring a few back.? Here?s my list of Olympic sports that should make a comeback:
Baseball (How is one of the world?s most popular sports no longer an Olympic event?)
Cricket (The reason why Trinidad & Tobago never medaled before this year)
Golf (The Ryder Cup just isn?t enough)
Softball (Two words.? Jennie Finch.)
Tug of War
Tug of war deserves its own paragraph.? Hear me out here.? Imagine they ended the Summer Olympics with the tug of war competition.? I?m talking muddy, murky, 6 foot deep puddle of muck in the middle type tug of war.? Picture the biggest, strongest men in America going up against the Russians for the gold medal.? I?m talking Hulk Hogan type dudes tugging against a team full of Nikolai Volkoffs.
Hell.? Yes.
Rio De Janeiro 2016, make it happen.
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